Wednesday, April 08, 2009

FGFF goes to the Buffet

So Aaron and I drove up to Phoenix Monday to try and catch some carp, but they were all jerks and none wanted to play with us.

Now its approaching dark and the Circle-K taquitos and their gut-destruction are long gone and we are hungry.

On the freeway back things are starting to get barbaric as we are plunged deeper and deeper into a hunger-fueled frenzy. Silverware banging on the dashboard as chants of food food food fill the cab of the Furd. (my turd ford) The tired engine knocks and the under inflated tires wine as I push faster towards some salivating salvation.

Wait, a sign appears up ahead, whats it say? WHATS IT SAY???? Shining like a light from heaven, a beacon to hungry fat guys everywhere, a Golden Corral appears ahead.

Screams of joy and high-fives cover the noise of screeching brakes as I direct my camper-shelled pile of crap onto the off ramp and into the parking lot. Women shriek, children flee, and the ones too slow to get out of the way fall victim to chrome-inflicted internal injuries.

Across the parking lot we fly, with rarely seen agility and speed: I clothline a woman on a cell phone, kick the walker out from under a disgruntled senior citizen, headbutt an unsuspecting truck driver out of the way, throw a handfull of bills at the women behind the cash register and dive headfirst into a hotel pan full of mac and cheese. We're here, and there is no time to fool around.

Now, I would like to take some time and set down some buffet guidelines that Aaron and I have learned over the years.

1) Understand your hydration level, and drink accordingly. If you show up to a buffet thirsty, drink water. The carbonation in soda will fill you up faster, thus hurting your buffet experience.

2) Eat slow and chew well. I know it can be overwhelming, but you must not rush

3) Unless you are a seasoned pro, one plate at a time. I know you want it all, and you want it now.... but relax. Its not going anywhere. One plate at a time will help you adhere to guideline #2.

4) Don't be afraid of that green leafy stuff. I know, I know, salad is filler-food. But, a little lettuce piled high with ham, steak, chicken, cheese, jalapenos, onions, crab salad, and croutons topped with a combination of Ranch and Blue Cheese dressing is less a salad and more a pile of delicious manly-ness.

5) Get your moneys worth, but eat what you want to. Just because you imagine the piece of steak that the semi-retarded guy who has no real idea what medium-rare is cut for you might get you the best value for your dollar, don't waste the room in your stomach if you really just want to eat a huge pile of instant mashed potatoes.

And lastly, but most importantly:
6) Know your limit. Just because the waitress put 19 plates on your table does not mean you have to use them all. And don't take any lip from the employee who says "you done already?" and points to the unused plates. They most likely hate their job, and have nothing to do but prod patrons into eating to the point that they hate life equally, if only for a few hours.

Remember, you are here to eat all you can, but also enjoy yourself as much as possible for $12.95. Don't ruin it by being a hunger-crazed idiot.

Now that I have supplied you with some of our knowledge necessary to properly destroy any unsuspecting establishment of all-you-can-eat food-stuffs, it's your turn.

So get up, get out, and roundhouse kick some roast beef, hammerfist some sliced ham, kung-fu some crab cakes, piledrive some potato salad, and make those carbohydrates, fats, proteins and water bow to their sensei.



  1. Carp ARE jerks! And after they screw you over they don't call the next day.

  2. The one thing I learned about carp is if they've seen you then it's all over. You could throw $50 bills at them and they'll still snub you.

    As for the Golden Corral, or as I like to call it the "Golden Trough" since folks like to pig out there, you couldn't have found a better place for three hungry big dudes. I just hope y'all left at least a couple of biscuits for the other folks to fight over.

  3. Anonymous9:05 AM

    This is the best how-to article posted on a fly fishing blog to date.

  4. Anonymous9:13 AM

    You really need to be charging for such valuable advice.

  5. Probably more walkers and canes at Hometown Buffet, just pretend they are wading staffs when you kick them out from under the arms of the poor geriatric patrons.
    Carp are tough - stick with it, maybe Wall St. Journal coverboy Kyle can help us out.
    Hometown Buffet and PeptoBismol: the perfect sponsors for a future FGFF tv show.

  6. Yeah i remember when the people at the Chinese buffet got all pissed at Aaron and I when we destroyed their All you can eat, Right after we left Tight Lines. that was a good day

  7. MG, it's about giving pack to the people. But I will take donations for further research.

  8. Gotta love Golden Corral when you're hungry... I've learned the wisdom of some of your guidelines through the years the tough way...especially #6...

  9. That is a bonafide gutbomb. Do you carefully ladle the portions onto the plate then stir it? I couldn't make out where the corn ended and the steak began.

  10. Neither could I, dude.


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