Saturday, February 28, 2009

A beard gives your face a purpose.

A little Pogonology for you.

In middle school I knew a guy. He could grow a mustache. It was awesome. One fine day I realized I could also grow wisdom and virility out of my face, and never looked back.

Some Greek Guy said,
"There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless — boys and women — and I am neither one."
He probably rocked some kick ass beardage.

Full beards, goatees, van dykes, extended goatees, chin strips, soul patchs, mutton chops, balbos and chin curtains…. There are many ways to sport your awesome. There are 3 things that define what style is right for you:

Ability: It is sad to say, but some men just don’t have it in the genes. Myself, to a degree, fall into this category. My moustache is sound, as well as my goatee, but I have a problem growing connectors. It is sad, I know, and has been a sensitive subject in the past but I have come to terms with it. And I have groomed myself accordingly. If you can’t pull a style off, give it up.

The shape of your mug: Face it; just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. There are few people that can successfully pull off mutton chops or a chin curtain. When you style your whiskers, you have to be able to look yourself in the eye and be truthful when you say it looks good.

Your life: I know it blows, but if you want to get a job serving at that elegant steakhouse up the street, you might have to trim your face. (Getting a job in the kitchen is a different story…. just look at Kyle.) Or if you make a living underwater welding, a big-ol-balbo might interfere with the waterproofness of your face. If you have any other job, you pretty much have no excuse.

The most ass-kickin' man in the universe can’t be wrong.

(By the way, if you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble you win. Forever.)

So take a vacation, go fishing, and leave your razor at home.

-Alex who fights for the rights of hairy faces everywhere. Except on women.


  1. that greek guy predated chemical, biological, and radiological warfare. and u must hav just forgotten the military folks and most firemen. they can't hav beards bcuz of the positive seal necessary for their gas masks. and they certainly kick ass. fyi, the proper name of goatee w/mustache is a van dyke. and the balbo can can be worn with or without the mustache. but u covered the decision-making process better than anything i've ever read.

  2. Anonymous10:01 AM

    you bastards. I fall under the "ability" category. just had to rub it in now didn't ya? you should've seen my pornstache from college...

  3. Ken, I acknowledge the ass kickery of our armed forces, but I would think for the creative mind there are styles that could accommodate a gas mask. Firefighters I would say stache only.... having a hairy candle on your face might be a bad idea.

    JP- I want to see a photo.

  4. Anonymous2:52 PM

    I'll have to see if I haven't burned them all.

  5. "One fine day I realized I could also grow wisdom and virility out of my face, and never looked back."

    I had a goatee and chops for the longest time, dutifully (more or less) shaving the in-between for years thinking it would never connect. Then, after a month of fishing on the road, the connections were allowed to develop and I haven't looked back. Though my mother wishes I would.

  6. Well, i'm now slick faced after years and years of waffling between a stash, a goat, and a full blown wolfman. My crap has so much white in it I look like the proverbial striped ass ape........

  7. DF, you got it! I can't wait untill my get all gray and white in my face pubes!And I am the one that looks like an ape, I am able to grow hair all over my body, except my ass and head

  8. Kyle, Dude! Too much information!
    One of the best gigs on a crappy beard I've ever heard came from one of my buddies when a dude walked by with a scroungy beard. He said, "Look at that. He's cultivating on his face what grows wild on my butt."

  9. It's mustache march. A real man sees his scraggly upper lip hair in the mirror and feels nothing but joy.

  10. Chuck Norris has to have a beard to cover up his obviously Weak Chin.

    Then again, I don't wish for him to read this - to keep my jaw, under this amazingly manly beard, from being shattered by a roundhouse kick.

  11. Your flirting with death, Rod.

    Brian, I have never heard of such a thing, but I approve.


  13. This is one of the best posts of the year!


What sayeth you?